When I was twelve years old, my mother died of cancer. After her death, I remember feeling happy, but I wasn’t sure why.
A few decades later, after I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I found out why. Praying one day, the memory of feeling “happy” after my mother’s death came to my mind. And with it, a familiar rush of guilt.
However, soon a different interpretation entered my mind: What I had felt as a child hadn’t been happiness, it was relief. I was relieved that my mother’s suffering had ended. And when she died, the unnamed but very real feeling of sorrow and suffering that was part of my life ended as well. I no longer had to see my mother struggle to live with an illness that soon controlled all of our lives.
One day, after my brain tumor diagnosis, I had a dream. I was at the house we lived in when Mom was alive. I was twelve and sitting on the fence in my backyard. I didn’t know what to do: stay on the fence or go inside the house? Suddenly, I saw Jesus standing next to me. We looked at each other. He told me, “Adam, your mother died. You didn’t. It’s OK to go on with your life. I’ll take care of your mother.” I looked at Him. “Are you sure?” “Yes,” He said.
After a moment’s hesitation, I jumped off the fence and ran down the alley, happy and shouting with glee. Then the dream ended. Shortly afterward, I had a successful brain surgery and life went on. The truth had set me free.
Dear Lord, may we always seek Your truth. Amen.
—Adam Ruiz
